People: Tania Rahman
Photo by Shea Kirk
Name: Tania Rahman (she/her)
Location: Melbourne/Naarm
Occupation/ Business: Doula, bodyworker, ceramicist
Who makes up your family? As a child I often felt like I was born into the wrong family. I don't currently have a relationship with my parents and sister, though I do keep in touch with my brother. I also moved around a lot growing up, and would only get to see my extended family maybe once a year or every two years, so I wasn't really close to them either. I think I'm still trying to figure out what the word family means to me, and where I belong in the world. I live with my partner, my child, my stepson, two cats and a snake, so I suppose that would make up my family.
What core principles / values inform your practice? I like to think I offer considerate and compassionate care. I don't like to use the term "trauma informed", to me it feels cold and clinical and can be rather vague in practice. Also people living with trauma experience it in vastly different ways in terms of how it affects them, and some people may not be conscious of it or are aware that they've experienced trauma at all. But the body knows, it remembers... and it'll tell you its stories if you're willing to listen.
Accessibility is also a really important part of what I do. I want to contribute to my community in a meaningful way, but I also have to price my offerings adequately so I can continue to do this work sustainably. It's a tricky one. I hate having to place a monetary value on my time, energy and the knowledge I've obtained over the years because I truly believe everyone should be able to access care if they need it, but at the end of the day we live in a capitalist society and unfortunately I have to subscribe to a form of currency accepted by corporations. I wish we'd bring back the trade economy!
What are you currently working on? I'm currently focusing on my bodywork offerings and facilitating ceremonies. Currently I offer energetic bodywork, (a clothes-on session blending energetic healing arts and Eastern therapies), abdominal massage (oil-based massage focusing on the wellbeing of the digestive and reproductive organs), and closing ceremonies (a ritual done to mark significant life events such as childbirth, supporting the body, mind and spirit as it navigates big transitions, and an honouring and symbolic closing of a particular chapter in your life).
I took a bit of a step back from doula work in the last few years, but I feel ready now to delve back into it. I love supporting families in the fresh postpartum and feel so passionately about mothering mothers. I'm also considering stepping back into birth work. I want to support birthing families who are planning for an undisturbed physiological birth. I genuinely believe the best chance you'll have of achieving that is in the comfort of your own home, with people in attendance who trust birth. I just don't have the capacity to attend hospital births anymore, and fortunately there are plenty of other doulas out there who are happy to support families birthing in a hospital setting.
I'm also trying to create content and establish more of a social media presence online. I sat on my offerings for years hoping people would eventually find out about what I do organically, through word of mouth. I really resisted it for a long time, but now that I've given myself permission to explore it, I'm realising I kind of enjoy the process of creating reels to show people a little glimpse into what I do, and writing lengthy captions to share about my musings on certain topics. It's been so long since I have worked on anything creatively, and it's allowing me the opportunity to exercise that part of my brain without taking it too seriously. It's also opened up opportunities to me that I never considered before, which has been a pleasant surprise. At the end of the day I'm just trying to have a bit of fun with it.
I'm in the process of putting together a functional website and a more streamlined booking process. It's hard, I'm not very tech-oriented, but also don't have the budget to outsource this work to someone else who knows what they're doing, haha. While it has been beautiful to get in touch with people on instagram, logistically it's been a nightmare to navigate the back and forth with clients via dm's, especially as someone with suspected ADHD, the mental load of having to keep tabs on multiple conversations, following up, and checking in/reminding clients of appointments, is massive. Hoping that once I have these systems put in place, I'll have more capacity to do the things I enjoy, like the deep conversations, and the relationship building with potential clients and people in my community.
This year I plan on finally setting up my ceramic studio. We've lived in our current rental for almost 2.5 years, and sadly it hasn't been high on our list of priorities. Looking forward to having a warm, welcoming space that I can just drop into to wedge clay, centre myself and get my hands dirty. I'm also in the process of planning a regular dance offering for mamas with fellow doula Gaia Archer of @mother_mover, so keep your eyes peeled for that.
What daily practices or rituals connect you with your centre? I don't have a very disciplined/committed approach when it comes to a daily practice, I do however, try and make time to do some self massage several times a week. Often it's a quick 5 minute abdominal massage after a shower, but when I have the time and spaciousness to do more, it feels so lush to be able to offer that to myself. I also have practices that I do that are supportive of my menstrual cycle. I clear out my schedule for the first two days of my bleed when possible, try and be horizontal for the most part and avoid doing any activities that are too strenuous. I don't do this because I have to, I do this because I want to, and it's a way for me to honour my bleeds.
I also make sure I yoni steam in the lead up to my bleed and right after the end of my bleed as well. I started doing this practice after learning about it in my abdominal massage training. I was 15 months postpartum with my toddler in tow and it was a tough 5 days trying to juggle a very mobile child who kept trying to leave the premises and stepping back into a learning environment with my mushy postpartum brain. But I really cherish the experience and learnt so much about myself and how to support the health and wellbeing of my womb. I couldn't wait to put things into practice and was actually super excited to welcome my cycles again after having my child. It felt really anchoring to have it return, and I was really excited to implement my newfound knowledge and see how it plays out.
What does community mean to you? Hmm, I think community can mean a lot of things, and doesn't necessarily limit itself to people within a set km radius from you. I also think online communities are just as real/valid as in real life connections! Ultimately I feel like a community is a group of people where you feel a sense of belonging, where you feel welcomed and safe to be who you are, who care for one another and offer support and assistance freely, without seeking some form of compensation in return. In this day and age it may be something you have to work hard at cultivating.
How does community care and self-care intersect for you? I feel like self-care is a subset within the wider circle of community care. There's only so much you can do on your own as an individual to care for the self. You could be the healthiest person on the planet, eating all the right things, exercising and sleeping the perfect amount, living as stress-free as you possibly can, ticking all of the boxes to look after your physical and mental wellbeing, but in isolation, while you could survive, you probably wouldn't thrive. It's in human nature to seek out other human beings, to connect, to relate, to give and receive. We are part of a macrocosm, an ecosystem. There's no escaping that.
How has motherhood/ parenthood impacted or shaped your identity? Becoming a mother is like spending an entire lifetime writing out pages and pages of who I thought I was, what I thought I believed in, my values, my hopes and dreams for the future, rewriting them as they shift over the years, and then filling up a dumpster with said writing and setting it on fire. I can never go back to who I was. She died. And here I am standing in her place.
It was equal parts confronting and comforting. To have a clean slate, but also to be starting from zero again?? My child is turning 5 in a few months. I feel like I'm only just figuring out who I am post-mother (but I will forever be mother). I felt a deep sense of purpose in the first 6 months of him being earthside, when the days stretched out as an endless cycle of feeds and naps and nappy changes and naps and feeds. But as the baby-mama dyad slowly turned into us being two separate beings, still tethered at the breast, our individual outlines becoming less blurred and more defined, it was replaced by a crisis of identity. Who am I beyond being a mother? But also to be a mother is so vast and all-encompassing, how can you be anything else but that? It's a trip.
I definitely feel much more sure of myself and who I am as a person now. Once we ended our breastfeeding journey that gave me a little more space to explore this new iteration of self. I am definitely much more discerning of where I spend my energy. I've learnt to draw boundaries. I've had to keep up a tough, hard exterior my entire life, and I'm learning to embrace the strength and bravery it takes to lean into softness. I've learnt to be truly sorry and feel it and mean it and say it.
Some days I'm riddled with guilt (and grief), of not being enough, of not doing enough, of my shortcomings, of my impatience, my maternal rage and fury that unexpectedly comes out at the worst of times. I notice similar patterns playing out not unlike my mum's dysregulation when she would struggle with me. I thought the hurt I experienced as a child would be enough of a deterrent to stop me from repeating the same dynamics, but it's so deeply rooted and subconscious, sometimes I don't even realise it until it's happened a number of times. One thing I am doing differently for my child is acknowledging when I fuck up, admitting when I've done something wrong, and genuinely apologising to him, instead of brushing it all under the rug and pretending like it never happened, invalidating his experience. Then we're able to move into repair and reconnecting.
It is a relationship at the end of the day, you have to work to maintain them, and there are power dynamics involved. Children have so little privilege in this world and are often the scapegoats of adult issues. I'm trying my best not to subscribe and further contribute to that narrative. It is hard.
What is something you're proud of? Still being here. Still doing the work. Still trying.
My cup is full when… My cup is full when I'm camping or when I go to the beach, especially on a nice day where I can go into the water for a dip and have the sun warm me up afterwards. Nature offers such beautiful medicine... when I'm immersed in it I can feel my nervous system coming back down to baseline, I can breathe deeply, I'm able to regulate myself better. I wish I could do it full time!
I am grateful for.. I'm grateful for my car. It chews through fuel (it's an older LandCruiser), but it is such a joy to drive around. I'm grateful for Shea Kirk (@grandpashea), who is an incredibly supportive partner, a really hands-on dad, and takes wonderful photos (of us and other people). I am grateful for my child choosing me to be his mother. It's definitely fast-tracked my process to get my shit together and work through my unresolved issues... it's still a work in progress, having to reparent yourself alongside parenting your child is not an easy thing to do, but I am trying. I'm also grateful for my stepson and the opportunities for learning he's offered me.
I'm grateful for my sister, who was born when I was 14, I learnt a lot about childrearing through caring for her when she was small. Grateful for my brother and his partner for sticking by me. Grateful for my partner's mother and siblings who have welcomed me into their lives with open arms. Grateful for my parents, I do have compassion for them even though they're not a part of my life. And grateful for all that I've gone through, the good and the bad, I wouldn't be where I'm at today without it.
A piece of advice I’d share with my younger self.. It's okay to set down roots, as much as it scares you... you don't have to keep running. Keep on dreaming, don't let your magic fizzle out.
Where can we find you (website, IG etc.)? You can find me at www.matrescence.co and on instagram @matresence.co / @＿taniarahman / @taniahceramics
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Lastly, please use the space below to share with us something that comes to mind – a poem, a drawing, a thought, a story, a book you’re reading – whatever you are sitting with right now.
A lot of my work revolves around matrescence, the transition to becoming a mother. I truly believe that journey begins way before conception and that it's deeply rooted in how we relate to ourselves, how connected we are to our bodies, and how much reverence we have for our wombs. We don't have a lot of practices in our daily lives that are supportive of menstruating bodies, and we live in a society that doesn't prioritise rest or acknowledge our body's varying needs. I feel like the work I'm here to do in this world is to hold people and support them so they can remember who they are and return home to themselves.
Photo by Shea Kirk
31.03.2023
